and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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