She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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