what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize