Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
