either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
