haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
