She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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