you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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