when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
