somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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