My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
