just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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