Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
