you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
