Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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