I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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