No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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