i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I'm both gender and math confused
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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