i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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