I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
