Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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