It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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