What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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