i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We left the knife in your bed.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
