I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
