If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
