I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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