I could make wine with my vomit
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
