She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
