Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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