my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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