Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
