party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
