can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
