my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
