I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
