Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
