If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize