Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
