I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize