i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
