My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
