I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
