you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Randomize
