Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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