Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
