you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
