Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
