I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
