He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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