i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
