i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
