why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
