shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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