i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
