You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
