Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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