I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
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